Comedy E-mail
1. Public Service Announcement
2. GAT
3. Genius at Work here
4. Real Horoscope
5. Scientific Hell
6. Why Sport Scholarships are an Oxymoron
7. Darwin Awards 1997
8. Bumper Sticker
9. Xanderisms from the first season
10. Scary story (funny from my sick and twisted point of view)

You might actually use this one.  Think of it as my Public Service Announcement.

This is absolutely a true story -- forward it around to friends who might get a kick out of it.

        Had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel at our company today.  She came into my office and noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had them?  They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.)  As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter.  Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message after an encounter.  He went on and on about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd never be the same, etc.  She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique?  She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to "freshen up."  Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then got busy.  Apparently things went amazingly.
        So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on -her- fiance.  Apparently this guy has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job.  He is now a fellatio gourmand.  This news has been going around our office.  Having a box of Altoids on
your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest computer.  News spread like crazy among the females, who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job.  As far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn't get much better.
        Some of the men found out, too -- they went out after work to buy them for their wives.  They strategized on how to get their wives to eat them.  And people wonder why I work in technology. (For what it's worth -- it really does work!  It leaves a lasting tingle that is apparently quite exquisite.)

For all you rapping freaks out there.....

GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)
The following exam was administered as an Ebonics version of the SAT

1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet.  You can buy:
 A. dime and two 40's
 B. A new pair of Fila's
 C. Dashikki down the block
 D. Yo mama

2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent.
 A. Bust a cap in his ass
 B. Say, "Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?"
 C. Have anuther kid on welfare
 D. Yo mama

3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo
    fo's commin your way.  If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall
    yur gats, which of da following happens:
 A. Shit goes down in da hood
 B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
 C. Shit man, I do'no maff
 D. Yo mama

4) You drink haff a 40.  How much is left:
 A. Haff
 B. Da uther haff
 C. Zum mo
 D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama

5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of
 A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
 B. Da AK47 with yo Fila's
 C. You blade and ya colurs
 D. "Shit man, what's a nigga like me doin up at dis time in da morn?"

6) Tiz yo 21st birfday.  You:
 A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees
 B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's
 C. Gaffle da man
 D. I do'no maff


7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
 A. Afrika
 B. Compton
 C. Souff Centra
 D. Yo mama

8) What am da capita of California?
 A. Da Hood
 B. Compton
 C. Compton
 D. Compton


9) Tek 9 : Gatt ::
 A. Yo mama : Dashikki
 B. Fila's : Nike
 C. Tu pac : Barry White
 D. St. Ive's : Colt 45

10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic ::
 A. Da Man : Da Systum
 B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
 C. Fat Albert : Shaft
 D. Yo mama : Dashikki


So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag below

Genius at work here

(Actual dialog of a FORMER Wordperfect Customer Support employee) Ridge Hall computer assistant:

"May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you  see that?"
".......Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...  A power outage?  Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
  stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.   Then take it back to the store
  you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Your Real Horoscope

Aquarius:  Jan 20-Feb 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie a great deal.  You make the same stupid mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.  Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces:  Feb 19-Mar 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA.  You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.  You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Aries:  Mar 21-April 19 You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.  You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with.  You are a prick.

Taurus:  Apr 20-May 20 You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.  You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini:  May 21-July 22 You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you are bi-sexual.  You are inclined to expect too much for too little.  This means you are a cheap bastard.  Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer:  June 21-July 22 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That is why you will be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.  Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

Leo:  July 23-Aug 22 You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are an idiot.  Most Leo's are bullies.  You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieving mother fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo:  Aug 23-Sept 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder.  Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and coworkers.  You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking.  Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra:  Sept 23-Oct 21 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If you are male, you are probably queer.  Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil.  Most Libra women are whores.  All Libra's die of venereal disease.

Scorpio:  Oct 22-Nov 21 The worst of the lot.  You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  You are a perfect son of a bitch.  Most Scorpio's are murdered.

Sagittarius:  Nov 22-Dec 19 You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent.  The majority of Sagittarian's are drunks.  Nixon was a Sagittarian.  You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn: Dec 20-Jan 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You are basically a chicken shit.  There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.  You should kill yourself.

Scientific Hell

        A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

                                         "Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
                                         Support your answer with a proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

        First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.  So...
        #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. OR...
        #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
        So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 CANNOT BE TRUE, AND HELL IS EXOTHERMIC.
        The student got the only A.

Why Sports Scholarships are an oxymoron

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"    -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find  my clothes."    -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing,
    explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"    -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem  to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I
    haven't been  through in school."    -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of
    academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players
    to and from class"    -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."    -- Boxing promoter
    Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went  to."    -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the
    Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore."    -- Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."    -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."    -- Football commentator and former
    player Joe Theismann

Darwin Award nominees. As you know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool.

The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
    An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death
when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]
    James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck."  Burns got a     friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE #3 [Hickory Daily Record]
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE #4 [UPI, Toronto]
    Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's  windows to visiting law students.  Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE #5 [Bloomburg News Service]
    A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal.  But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE #6 [AP, St. Louis]
    Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store, where paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat.
NOMINEE #7 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
    A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.   Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.  "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It  wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.'
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #8!!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette],
    Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning.Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse used on the older model truck had burned out.  As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly  and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his dick off or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but  this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars:

Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em,  Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian .
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality?  Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning:  Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution:  I drive like you do.


"I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good."

Xander: "Guess who?"
Willow: "Xander?"
Xander "Yeah, but keep guessing anyway."
Willow: "Xander."
Xander: "Ah, I can't fool you. You see right through my pretty charade."

Willow: "So how did it go [asking Buffy to the dance]?"
Xander: "On a scale of 1 to 10 -- it sucked."

Buffy: "that means whatever's out there still needs healthy, intellegent brain."
Xander: "so, in other words, that means i'm safe."

"Shoot me, stuff me, mount me."

Xander- "It isn't what you think."
Willow- "What, you like to look at semi-nude engravings?"
Xander- "OK, so it is what you think."

"I'm going home to listen to country music; the music of pain."

"Does anyone else feel like they've been kayser soze'd?"

"Your going to be missing out, I'm planning to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me."

"Forgiveness is my middle name. actually its LaVelle."

"Hey Cordelia, you haven't insulted me all day. Is it something I've said?"

"Needs should, uh, definatly be met, as long as they don't require ointments the next day."

"We find, you slay, we party."

"He's like Super Librarian. Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon."

"You know, I don't know what everyone is talking about. That dress doesn't make you look like a hooker."

"Yesterday, my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz!' Today it's like, 'rain of toads'"

"Its funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it."

"Can you say "gulp"?"

"Those that can, do. Those that can't, laugh at the ones that can do."

"Whoa, Stop this whirlygig of fun, I'm getting dizzy."

"Hey, you want to come over for dinner at my place tonight? My mom's making her famous call to the Chinese restaurant."

"To read makes our speaking English good."

"I laugh at the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away."

"For I am Xander, king of cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me."

"We're right behind you, only further back."

This one you might recognize form the season finale.
Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck, I saw that.
Angel: No I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: (after a long pause) I told you to eat before we left.

    Once there was a a beautiful young girl who lived in a small town just south of Farmersburg.  Her parends had to go to town for a short while, so they left their daughter home alone, but protected by her dog, which was a very large collie.  The parents told the girl to lock all the windows and doors after they had left.  And at about 8:00pm the parents went to town.  So doing
what she was told the girl shut and locked evey window and every door.  But there was one window in the basement that would not close completely. Trying  as best as she could she finally got the window shut, but it would not lock. So she left the window, and went back upstairs. But just to make sure that no one could get in, she put the dead-bolt lock on the basment door. Then she sat down had some dinner and decided to go to sleep for the night.  Settling down to sleep at about 12:00 she snuggled up with the dog and fell asleep.
    But at one point, she suddenly woke up.  She turned and looked at the was 2:30.  She snuggled down again wondering what had woken her.....when she heard a noise. It was a dripping sound. She thought that she had left thewater running, and now it was dripping into the drain of her sink. So thinking it was no big deal she decided to go back to sleep.  But she felt nervous so she reached her hand over the edge of her bed, and let the dog lick her hand for reasurance that he would protect her. Again at about 3:45 she woke up hearing drippping.  She was slightly angry now but went back to sleep anyway.  Again she reached down to let the dog lick her hand.  Then she fell back to sleep.  At 6:52 she decided that she had enough...
    She got up just in time to see her parents were pulling up to the house. "good" she thought "now somebody can fix the sink...cause i know i didn't leave it running"   She walked to the bathroom and there was the collie dog, skinned and hung up on the curtain rod.  The noise she heard was its blood dripping into a puddle on the floor. The girl screamed and ran to her
bedroom to get a weapon, incase someone was still in the house.....and there on the floor,  next to her bed she saw a small note,  written in blood, saying,
                                                        "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO MY BEAUTIFUL"
    Now it is time for you to lock all the windows and doors.  This letter is the only chain letter that is true.  This did happen many years ago, and the man who killed the dog was never caught.  If you delete this letter you will suffer the same fate as the girl in the story did,  years after the door was killed.  She was raped and killed in the same town and same house as the dog.  Do not dismiss this letter, becaue if you do, a horrible thing will become of you, everyone will soon know your name. But only because it will be the headline of your local newspaper for a long time.  It will read...Small Town Murder On The Loose! You can not chance your luck on a chain letter so serious as this.   Give up your chance to send this letter to 23 people and
you will be givving up your chance to live.  You were warned.  I hope that I will not see any murder stories in the papers anytime soon.   And now I bid you a good day.   And one more only have 23 minutes....Sorry.