Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message to Parents of
Homosexual Children and Suggestions for Pastoral Ministers
A Statement
of the Bishops' Committee on Marriage and Family
Spanish (Espa–ol) Version
The purpose of this pastoral message is to
reach out to parents trying to cope with the discovery of homosexuality in
their adolescent or adult child. It urges families to draw upon the
reservoirs of faith, hope, and love as they face uncharted futures. It asks
them to recognize that the Church offers enormous spiritual resources to
strengthen and support them at this moment in their family's life and in the
days to come.
This message draws upon the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the teachings of Pope John Paul II, and
statements of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith and of our own
conference. This message is not a treatise on homosexuality. It is not a
systematic presentation of the Church's moral teaching. It does not break any
new ground theologically. Rather, relying on the Church's teaching, as well
as our own pastoral experience, we intend to speak words of faith, hope, and
love to parents who need the Church's loving presence at a time that may be
one of the most challenging in their lives. We also hope this message will be
helpful to priests and pastoral ministers who often are the first ones
parents or their children approach with their struggles and anxieties.
In recent years we have tried to reach out to families in difficult
circumstances. Our initiatives took the form of short statements, like this
one, addressed to people who thought they were beyond the Church's circle of
care. Always Our Children
follows in the same tradition.
This message is not intended for advocacy purposes or to serve a particular
agenda. It is not to be understood as an endorsement of what some call a
"homosexual lifestyle." Always Our Children is an outstretched hand of the bishops' Committee
on Marriage and Family to parents and other family members, offering them a
fresh look at the grace present in family life and the unfailing mercy of
Christ our Lord.
An even more generous, intelligent and prudent
pastoral commitment, modeled on the Good Shepherd, is called for in cases
of families which, often independently of their own wishes and through
pressures of various other kinds, find themselves faced by situations which
are objectively difficult.
- John Paul II, On the Family,
1981, no. 77
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As you begin to read this message you may
feel that your life is in turmoil. You and your family might be faced with
one of the difficult situations of which our Holy Father speaks:
- You think your adolescent
child is experiencing a same-sex attraction and/or you observe attitudes
and behaviors that you find confusing or upsetting or with which you
disagree.
- Your son or daughter has
made it known that he or she has a homosexual orientation.
- You experience a
tension between loving your child as God's precious creation and not
wanting to endorse any behavior you know the Church teaches is wrong.
You need not face this
painful time alone, without human assistance or God's grace. The Church can
be an instrument of both help and healing. This is why we bishops, as pastors
and teachers, write to you.
In this pastoral message, we draw upon the gift of faith as well as the sound
teaching and pastoral practice of the Church to offer loving support,
reliable guidance, and recommendations for ministries suited to your needs
and to those of your child. Our message speaks of accepting yourself, your
beliefs and values, your questions, and all you may be struggling with at
this moment; accepting and loving your child as a gift of God; and accepting
the full truth of God's revelation about the dignity of the human person and
the meaning of human sexuality. Within the Catholic moral vision there is no
contradiction among these levels of acceptance, for truth and love are not
opposed. They are inseparably joined and rooted in one person, Jesus Christ,
who reveals God to be ultimate truth and saving love.
We address our message also to the wider church community, and especially to
priests and other pastoral ministers, asking that our words be translated
into attitudes and actions that follow the way of love, as Christ has taught.
It is through the community of his faithful that Jesus offers you hope, help,
and healing, so your whole family might continue to grow into the intimate
community of life and love that God intends.
Because some of you might be swept up in a
tide of emotions, we focus first on feelings. Although the gift of human
sexuality can be a great mystery at times, the Church's teaching on
homosexuality is clear. However, because the terms of that teaching have now
become very personal in regard to your son or daughter, you may feel confused
and conflicted.
You could be experiencing many different emotions, all in varying degrees,
such as the following:
Relief. Perhaps you had sensed for some
time that your son or daughter was different in some way. Now he or she has
come to you and entrusted something very significant. It may be that other
siblings learned of this before you and were reluctant to tell you.
Regardless, though, a burden has been lifted. Acknowledge the possibility
that your child has told you this not to hurt you or create distance, but out
of love and trust and with a desire for honesty, intimacy, and closer
communication.
Anger. You may be feeling
deceived or manipulated by your son or daughter. You could be angry with your
spouse, blaming him or her for "making the child this
way"—especially if there has been a difficult parent-child
relationship. You might be angry with yourself for not recognizing indications
of homosexuality. You could be feeling disappointment, along with anger, if
family members, and sometimes even siblings, are rejecting their homosexual
brother or sister. It is just as possible to feel anger if family members or
friends seem overly accepting and encouraging of homosexuality.
Also—and not to be discounted—is a possible anger with God that
all this is happening.
Mourning. You may now feel
that your child is not exactly the same individual you once thought you knew.
You envision that your son or daughter may never give you grandchildren.
These lost expectations as well as the fact that homosexual persons often
encounter discrimination and open hostility can cause you great sadness.
Fear. You may fear for your
child's physical safety and general welfare in the face of prejudice against
homosexual people. In particular, you may be afraid that others in your
community might exclude or treat your child or your family with contempt. The
fear of your child contracting HIV/AIDS or another sexually transmitted disease
is serious and ever-present. If your child is distraught, you may be
concerned about attempted suicide.
Guilt, Shame, and Loneliness.
"If only we had . . . or had not . . ." are words with which
parents can torture themselves at this stage. Regrets and disappointments
rise up like ghosts from the past. A sense of failure can lead you into a
valley of shame which, in turn, can isolate you from your children, your
family, and other communities of support.
Parental Protectiveness and Pride. Homosexual persons often experience discrimination and acts of
violence in our society. As a parent, you naturally want to shield your
children from harm, regardless of their age. You may still insist: "You
are always my child; nothing can ever change that. You are also a child of
God, gifted and called for a purpose in God's design."
There are two important things to keep in mind as you try to sort out your
feelings. First, listen to them. They can contain clues that lead to a fuller
discovery of God's will for you. Second, because some feelings can be
confusing or conflicting, it is not necessary to act upon all of them.
Acknowledging them may be sufficient, but it may also be necessary to talk
about your feelings. Do not expect that all tensions can or will be resolved.
The Christian life is a journey marked by perseverance and prayer. It is a
path leading from where we are to where we know God is calling us.
How can you best express your
love—itself a reflection of God's unconditional love—for your
child? At least two things are necessary.
First, don't break off contact; don't reject your child. A shocking number of
homosexual youth end up on the streets because of rejection by their
families. This, and other external pressures, can place young people at a
greater risk for self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse and suicide.
Your child may need you and the family now more than ever. He or she is still
the same person. This child, who has always been God's gift to you, may now
be the cause of another gift: your family becoming more honest, respectful,
and supportive. Yes, your love can be tested by this reality, but it can also
grow stronger through your struggle to respond lovingly.
The second way to communicate love is to seek appropriate help for your child
and for yourself. If your son or daughter is an adolescent, it is possible
that he or she may be displaying traits which cause you anxiety such as what
the child is choosing to read or view in the media, intense friendships, and
other such observable characteristics and tendencies. What is called for on
the part of parents is an approach which does not presume that your child has
developed a homosexual orientation, and which will help you maintain a loving
relationship while you provide support, information, encouragement, and moral
guidance. Parents must always be vigilant about their children's behavior and
exercise responsible interventions when necessary.
In many cases, it may be appropriate and necessary that your child receive
professional help, including counseling and spiritual direction. It is
important, of course, that he or she receive such guidance willingly. Look
for a therapist who has an appreciation of religious values and who
understands the complex nature of sexuality. Such a person should be
experienced at helping people discern the meaning of early sexual behaviors,
sexual attractions, and sexual fantasies in ways that lead to more clarity
and self-identity. In the course of this, however, it is essential for you to
remain open to the possibility that your son or daughter is struggling to
understand and accept a basic homosexual orientation.
The meaning and implications of the term homosexual orientation are not
universally agreed upon. Church teaching acknowledges a distinction between a
homosexual "tendency," which proves to be "transitory,"
and "homosexuals who are definitively such because of some kind of
innate instinct"(Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Declaration
on Certain Questions Concerning Sexual Ethics, 1975, no. 8).
In light of this possibility, therefore, it seems appropriate to understand
sexual orientation (heterosexual or homosexual) as a deep-seated dimension of
one's personality and to recognize its relative stability in a person. A
homosexual orientation produces a stronger emotional and sexual attraction
toward individuals of the same sex, rather than toward those of the opposite
sex. It does not totally rule out interest in, care for, and attraction
toward members of the opposite sex. Having a homosexual orientation does not
necessarily mean a person will engage in homosexual activity.
There seems to be no single cause of a homosexual orientation. A common
opinion of experts is that there are multiple factors—genetic,
hormonal, psychological—that may give rise to it. Generally, homosexual
orientation is experienced as a given, not as something freely chosen. By
itself, therefore, a homosexual orientation cannot be considered sinful, for
morality presumes the freedom to choose.1
Some homosexual persons want to be known publicly as gay or lesbian. These
terms often express a person's level of self-awareness and self-acceptance
within society. Though you might find the terms offensive because of
political or social connotations, it is necessary to be sensitive to how your
son or daughter is using them. Language should not be a barrier to building
trust and honest communication.
You can help a homosexual person in two general ways. First, encourage him or
her to cooperate with God's grace to live a chaste life. Second, concentrate
on the person, not on the homosexual orientation itself. This implies
respecting a person's freedom to choose or refuse therapy directed toward
changing a homosexual orientation. Given the present state of medical and
psychological knowledge, there is no guarantee that such therapy will
succeed. Thus, there may be no obligation to undertake it, though some may
find it helpful.
All in all, it is essential to recall one basic truth. God loves every person
as a unique individual. Sexual identity helps to define the unique persons we
are, and one component of our sexual identity is sexual orientation. Thus,
our total personhood is more encompassing than sexual orientation. Human
beings see the appearance, but the Lord looks into the heart (cf. 1 Sm 16:7).
God does not love someone any less simply because he or she is homosexual.
God's love is always and everywhere offered to those who are open to
receiving it. St. Paul's words offer great hope:
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor
angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor
powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to
separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom 8:38-39)
For the Christian believer, an acceptance of
self and of one's homosexual child must take place within the larger context
of accepting divinely revealed truth about the dignity and destiny of human
persons. It is the Church's responsibility to believe and teach this truth,
presenting it as a comprehensive moral vision and applying this vision in
particular situations through its pastoral ministries. We present the main
points of that moral teaching here.
Every person has an inherent dignity because he or she is created in God's
image. A deep respect for the total
person leads the Church to hold and teach that sexuality is a gift from God.
Being created a male or female person is an essential part of the divine plan,
for it is their sexuality—a mysterious blend of spirit and
body—that allows human beings to share in God's own creative love and
life.
Like all gifts from God, the power and freedom of sexuality can be
channeled toward good or evil.
Everyone—the homosexual and the heterosexual person—is called to
personal maturity and responsibility. With the help of God's grace, everyone
is called to practice the virtue of chastity in relationships. Chastity means
integrating one's thoughts, feelings, and actions, in the area of human
sexuality, in a way that values and respects one's own dignity and that of
others. It is "the spiritual power which frees love from selfishness and
aggression" (Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth and Meaning
of Human Sexuality, 1996, no. 16).
Christ summons all his followers—whether they are married or living
a single celibate life—to a higher standard of loving. This includes not only fidelity, forgiveness,
hope, perseverance, and sacrifice, but also chastity, which is expressed in
modesty and self-control. The chaste life is possible, though not always
easy, for it involves a continual effort to turn toward God and away from
sin, especially with the strength of the sacraments of penance and eucharist.
Indeed God expects everyone to strive for the perfection of love, but to
achieve it gradually through stages of moral growth (cf. John Paul II, On
the Family, 1981, no. 34). To keep our feet on the path of
conversion, God's grace is available to and sufficient for everyone open to
receiving it.
Furthermore, as homosexual persons "dedicate their lives to
understanding the nature of God's personal call to them, they will be able to
celebrate the sacrament of penance more faithfully and receive the Lord's
grace so freely offered there in order to convert their lives more fully to
his way" (Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Letter on the
Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons,
1986, no. 12).
To live and love chastely is to understand that "only within marriage
does sexual intercourse fully symbolize the Creator's dual design, as an act
of covenant love, with the potential of co-creating new human life"
(United States Catholic Conference, Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective
for Education and Lifelong Learning, 1991, p. 55). This is a fundamental
teaching of our Church about sexuality, rooted in the biblical account of man
and woman created in the image of God and made for union with one another (Gn
2–3).
Two conclusions follow. First, it is God's plan that sexual intercourse occur
only within marriage between a man and a woman. Second, every act of
intercourse must be open to the possible creation of human life. Homosexual
intercourse cannot fulfill these two conditions. Therefore, the Church
teaches that homogenital behavior is objectively immoral, while making the
important distinction between this behavior and a homosexual orientation,
which is not immoral in itself. It is also important to recognize that
neither a homosexual orientation, nor a heterosexual one, leads inevitably to
sexual activity. One's total personhood is not reducible to sexual
orientation or behavior.
Respect for the God-given dignity of all persons means the recognition of
human rights and responsibilities. The teachings of the Church
make it clear that the fundamental human rights of homosexual persons must be
defended and that all of us must strive to eliminate any forms of injustice,
oppression, or violence against them (cf. The Pastoral Care of Homosexual
Persons, 1986, no. 10).
It is not sufficient only to avoid unjust discrimination. Homosexual persons
"must be accepted with respect, compassion and sensitivity" (Catechism
of the Catholic Church, no. 2358). They,
as is true of every human being, need to be nourished at many different
levels simultaneously. This includes friendship, which is a way of loving and
is essential to healthy human development. It is one of the richest possible
human experiences. Friendship can and does thrive outside of genital sexual
involvement.
The Christian community should offer its homosexual sisters and brothers
understanding and pastoral care. More than twenty years ago we
bishops stated that "Homosexuals . . . should have an active role in the
Christian community" (National Conference of Catholic Bishops, To
Live in Christ Jesus: A Pastoral Reflection on the Moral Life, 1976, p. 19). What does this mean in practice? It
means that all homosexual persons have a right to be welcomed into the
community, to hear the word of God, and to receive pastoral care. Homosexual
persons living chaste lives should have opportunities to lead and serve the
community. However, the Church has the right to deny public roles of service
and leadership to persons, whether homosexual or heterosexual, whose public
behavior openly violates its teachings.
The Church also recognizes the importance and urgency of ministering to
persons with HIV/AIDS. Though HIV/AIDS is an epidemic affecting the whole
human race, not just homosexual persons, it has had a devastating effect upon
them and has brought great sorrow to many parents, families, and friends.
Without condoning self-destructive behavior or denying personal
responsibility, we reject the idea that HIV/AIDS is a direct punishment from
God. Furthermore
Persons with AIDS are not distant, unfamiliar people, the
objects of our mingled pity and aversion. We must keep them present to our
consciousness as individuals and a community, and embrace them with
unconditional love. . . . Compassion—love—toward persons infected
with HIV is the only authentic Gospel response. (National Conference of
Catholic Bishops, Called to Compassion and Responsibility: A Response to
the HIV/AIDS Crisis, 1989)
Nothing in the Bible or in
Catholic teaching can be used to justify prejudicial or discriminatory
attitudes and behaviors.2 We reiterate here what we said in an earlier
statement:
We call on all Christians and citizens of good will to
confront their own fears about homosexuality and to curb the humor and
discrimination that offend homosexual persons. We understand that having a
homosexual orientation brings with it enough anxiety, pain and issues related
to self-acceptance without society bringing additional prejudicial treatment.
(Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong
Learning, 1991, p. 55)
With a view toward overcoming the isolation that you or your son or
daughter may be experiencing, we offer these recommendations to you as well
as to priests and pastoral ministers.
- Accept and love yourselves
as parents in order to accept and love your son or daughter. Do not
blame yourselves for a homosexual orientation in your child.
- Do everything possible to
continue demonstrating love for your child. However, accepting his or
her homosexual orientation does not have to include approving of all
related attitudes and behavioral choices. In fact, you may need to
challenge certain aspects of a lifestyle that you find objectionable.
- Urge your son or daughter
to stay joined to the Catholic faith community. If they have left the
Church, urge them to return and be reconciled to the community,
especially through the sacrament of penance.
- Recommend that your son or
daughter find a spiritual director/mentor to offer guidance in prayer
and in leading a chaste and virtuous life.
- Seek help for yourself,
perhaps in the form of counseling or spiritual direction, as you strive
for understanding, acceptance, and inner peace. Also, consider joining a
parents' support group or participating in a retreat designed for
Catholic parents of homosexual children. Other people have traveled the
same road as you but may have journeyed even further. They can share
effective ways of handling delicate family situations such as how to
tell family members and friends about your child, how to explain
homosexuality to younger children, and how to relate to your son or
daughter's friends in a Christian way.
- Reach out in love and
service to other parents struggling with a son or daughter's
homosexuality. Contact your parish about organizing a parents' support
group. Your diocesan family ministry office, Catholic Charities, or a
special diocesan ministry to gay and lesbian persons may be able to
offer assistance.
- As you take advantage of
opportunities for education and support, remember that you can only
change yourself; you can only be responsible for your own beliefs and
actions, not those of your adult children.
- Put your faith
completely in God, who is more powerful, more compassionate, and more
forgiving than we are or ever could be.
- Be available to parents and
families who ask for your pastoral help, spiritual guidance, and prayer.
- Welcome homosexual persons
into the faith community, and seek out those on the margins. Avoid
stereotyping and condemning. Strive first to listen. Do not presume that
all homosexual persons are sexually active.
- Learn more about
homosexuality and church teaching so your preaching, teaching, and
counseling will be informed and effective.
- When speaking publicly, use
the words "homosexual," "gay," and "lesbian"
in honest and accurate ways.
- Maintain a list of
agencies, community groups, and counselors or other experts to whom you
can refer homosexual persons or their parents and family members when
they ask you for specialized assistance. Recommend agencies that operate
in a manner consistent with Catholic teaching.
- Help to establish or
promote support groups for parents and family members.
- Learn about HIV/AIDS
so you will be more informed and compassionate in your ministry. Include
prayers in the liturgy for those living with HIV/AIDS, their caregivers,
those who have died, and their families, companions, and friends. A
special Mass for healing and anointing of the sick might be connected
with World AIDS Awareness Day (December 1) or with a local AIDS awareness
program.
For St. Paul love is the greatest of
spiritual gifts. St. John considers love to be the most certain sign of God's
presence. Jesus proposes it as the basis of his two great commandments, which
fulfill all the law and the prophets.
Love, too, is the continuing story of every family's life. Love can be
shared, nurtured, rejected, and sometimes lost. To follow Christ's way of
love is the challenge before every family today. Your family now has an added
opportunity to share love and to accept love. Our church communities are
likewise called to an exemplary standard of love and justice. Our homosexual
sisters and brothers—indeed, all people—are summoned into
responsible ways of loving.
To our homosexual brothers and sisters we offer a concluding word. This
message has been an outstretched hand to your parents and families inviting
them to accept God's grace present in their lives now and to trust in the
unfailing mercy of Jesus our Lord. Now we stretch out our hands and invite
you to do the same. We are called to become one body, one spirit in Christ.
We need one another if we are to " . . . grow in every way into him who
is the head, Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by
every supporting ligament, with the proper functioning of each part, brings
about the body's growth and builds itself up in love" (Eph 4:15-16).
Though at times you may feel discouraged, hurt, or angry, do not walk away
from your families, from the Christian community, from all those who love
you. In you God's love is revealed. You are always our children.
There is no
fear in love . . . perfect love drives out fear.
(1 Jn 4:18)
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Catechism of the Catholic Church. Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic
Conference, 1994: nos. 2357-2359.
Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Declaration on Certain
Questions Concerning Sexual Ethics (Persona Humana). Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic
Conference, 1975.
Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Letter to the Bishops
of the Catholic Church on the Pastoral Care of Homosexual Persons. Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic
Conference, 1986.
National Conference of Catholic Bishops. Called to Compassion and
Responsibility: A Response to the HIV/AIDS Crisis. Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic Conference, 1990.
National Conference of Catholic Bishops. Human Sexuality: A
Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning. Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic
Conference, 1991.
National Conference of Catholic Bishops. To Live in Christ Jesus: A
Pastoral Reflection on the Moral Life.
Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic Conference, 1976.
Pontifical Council for the Family. The Truth and Meaning of Human
Sexuality. Washington, D.C.: United States
Catholic Conference, 1996.
Pope John Paul II. Apostolic Exhortation on the Family (Familiaris
Consortio). Washington, D.C.: United
States Catholic Conference, 1981.
Pope John Paul II. The Splendor of Truth (Veritatis Splendor). Washington, D.C.: United States Catholic
Conference, 1993.
- The Catechism of the
Catholic Church states also:
"This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for
most [persons with the homosexual inclination] a trial" (no. 2358).
- In matters where
sexual orientation has a clear relevance, the common good does justify
its being taken into account, as noted by the Congregation for the
Doctrine of the Faith in Some Considerations Concerning the Response
to Legislative Proposals on the Non-Discrimination of Homosexual Persons, 1992, no. 11.
Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message to Parents of Homosexual Children
and Suggestions for Pastoral Ministers is
a statement of the NCCB Committee on Marriage and Family. It was prepared in
the Secretariat for Family, Laity, Women, and Youth under the supervision of
the above committee. Publication was approved by the Administrative Committee
on September 10, 1997. The statement is further authorized for publication by
the undersigned.
Monsignor Dennis M. Schnurr, General Secretary, NCCB/USCC
Scripture texts used in this work are taken from the New American
Bible, copyright © 1991, 1986, and 1970
by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C. 20017 and are
used by permission of copyright owner. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1997, United States Catholic Conference, Inc., Washington, D.C.
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